This Mumma is losing her shit today, the parrot is screeching like an arsehole, the toddler had a massive meltdown at the pool which to onlookers would have looked like I was trying to drown her, it has been 40 degrees all day and I almost regret the decision to keep the oldest one home all day from the heat as all they have done is fight, this is mum life, I'm not always this stressed, but man today has been tough, and all the while, I have to appear as though I have at least 40% of my shit together.
The pressure us mums have and also put on ourselves at times is just too much, we do so much for our families, we parent, cook, clean, wife, work, delegate, play nurse, peacemaker, phycologist, mediator, accountant, personal assistant, accountant, add all of this up and there is a shit load of roles that us as Mothers take on.
Now I don't know about you, but, I have never been away from my kids since the day they were born, never missed a night in 10 years where I didn't have to breastfeed, cuddle, snuggle, lull, demand someone to sleep, never have I told hubby that I am going on that girl's dinner and won't be back until midnight, never have I just taken a day off for myself. Ever.
I watch other mums, posting their adventures on social media, a holiday with a friend here, a date night with hubby there, a salon appointment for three hours alone, a night at the gym, and I wonder where I am going wrong, and why am I, at 40 years of age, still feeling like I want this so bad but will never have it?.
Is it guilt for leaving my kids? I don't know.
Is it not knowing what to do with myself if I had half an hour with myself, by myself? That is part of it.
Why is it that when Mums, like myself, get time, 10 minutes here and 5 minutes there, feel that they must use that time to tick off the next thing on someone else list?, hubby's invoicing, Christmas shipping, groceries, anything that avoids you actually having 5 minutes to actually be able to deeply think about who you are as a person, not just a mother and a wife, even now, I have a child hanging off me begging me for a drink, she has one, she has two, in fact, one is half-drunk and resting on the windowsill, the other is able to be found if you only followed the red drips of cordial on the tiles.
That brings me to the house, the house that is cluttered with childrens toys, constant sheet tents being built, mount wash more getting higher and higher, while I scroll through social media spending hours filling my inspiration cup with ideas on how to turn my mundane house into a castle, all the while being confused as to how these people can have a social life AND an organised and clean house.
Today I had a agghaa moment, it is because their cup is full with their social release that they are able to do what magic it is that they do within the home, it is due to them being able to walk away from it and come back full that they are able to actually get this shit done!.
Me, My cup is empty, I am not filling up my cup to be able to be inspired even to have the energy to be able to do the rest, why?, because I feel unappreciated, and when you feel unappreciated, you feel less than inspired to continue or try harder, and all the while you think you are trying so dam, its nasty circle of self-punishment.
I am not ashamed to admit that this year I started seeing a councillor, someone to talk to, to vent to, to help me slowly fill my cup.
Mental health is so important guys, and I can't stress that enough, we have to stop putting ourselves on the back burner and start looking after ourselves, your friends won't notice that you have been cooped up for 10 years, they will be too busy filling their cup, and unless you speak up and say HEY!, i want that also! Help me, Include me, Teach me, then, then wont.....most likely, as they will assume that you're ok.
Make a pact with your friends, meet them once a month, visit them once a month, ask them, are you ok? of course, they will lie to you the first, second, and maybe even the third time, but after a while, don't stop asking! There may be that one time that you ask that their walls break, they ask to be held, and you hold them with your life-changing embrace, and you save them, you fucking save them!.
until the next blog, keep being awesome.